Introducing

 

Paxman: Now, this is unprecedented. In all my years of interviewing I have never once had to ask this question, but ask it I must: ‘Why am I here?’ You’re not a person of political or social influence – the people I typically interview- which again begs the question, ‘Why am I here?’

Ryan: You’re here because my imagination has put you here. I’m sorry you don’t like it Jeremy, but you’re a good way to promote my new blog.

Paxman: A blog! Aren’t they as redundant and obsolete as the horse and cart? Shouldn’t you be holding a camera up to yourself and regurgitating your tedium onto YouTube?

Ryan: It’s how I’ve been writing for the past seven years, Jeremy. This is now my third blog.

Paxman: Ah, yes, the third blog. Correct me if I’m wrong, but people didn’t even want the first one, what makes you think they want a third?

Ryan: Well, I would refute your assertion. The first one was pretty popular. Over a thousand people read one of my articles.

Paxman: Yes, but that one was about an amateur production of Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing. The two leads probably contributed to most of those views. Like Narcissus and the lake, those luvvies will stare into anything that mentions them.

Ryan: Yes, but …

Paxman: After that blog, you released ‘A Pram In The Hall,’ a weekly blog about your child. Tell me, why did you do think this would be entertaining? In my experience the only thing worse than hearing about someone’s dreams is hearing about their children.

Ryan: It was about my child but each week I wrote in a different style. The style was as much the thing as the child. You didn’t need to have a child to read it.

Paxman: You don’t need to have a brain cell either to see it was nothing more than a gimmick. A view shared by literary agents. How many rejected it as an idea for a book?

Ryan: Six.

Paxman: Six times. And how many did you write to?

Ryan: Six.

Paxman: (laughs)

Ryan: But J.K. Rowling was rejected by twenty for Harry Potter.

Paxman: Are you equating your literary drivel with her genius?

Ryan: No … but she did get rejected more times than me.

Paxman: So now you’re releasing another blog, Schadenfreude. A German word . Given your lack of success so far, is it a sensible title? Some people will be aware of what the word means: taking pleasure from other people’s misfortune- others won’t. Do you think it’s clever to be wilfully obscure?

Ryan: I haven’t done it with any ulterior motive. I’ve done it because the word fits the blog. Each month I will try to write humorously about something I've struggled with and set myself the challenge to improve on that thing I find difficult.

Paxman: So it’s about failure and the attempt to achieve mediocrity.

Ryan: That’s right.

Paxman: Well, I apologise for being a little brusque with you earlier; I think that’s the ideal blog for a man like you.

Ryan: Thank you, Jeremy.

Jeremy: No, thank you. (Turns to camera) You can read Ryan’s blog twice a month: once at the beginning and once at the end. This month’s one will apparently be about him re-learning how to ride a bike. Sounds riveting. Good night.