Schadenfreude

  ‘A garden is not a place. It is a journey.’ (Monty Don) I get what Monty Don is saying here. Like a house, a garden is never complete. It involves constant attention, rotation and perspiration. You get out what you put in. I don’t put much into our garden. I’m not an outdoorsy person for a start. Even in high summer, I don’t like to be outside. I’d rather be in, somewhere cool, watching the television or reading a book. It just doesn’t feel much fun having the sun on my back and hayfever in my eyes. However, this attitude does make me feel guilty. The reason for this is because I’m from a line of gardeners. My nan was a member of the horticultural society and would go on daytrips to gardens. My dad had green fingers too, building decking at the front and a pagoda down the back. And if I became famous enough to be a subject on Who Do You Think You Are? I’m sure it would be unearthed that my original ancestor was God, the creator of the Garden of Eden. I’m not saying I am the...

 "Make sure you cut the body along the fold, Ryan." ________________________________________________ To start our arts and crafts challenge, we begin with butterfly paintings. These are simple and effective. As easy as a Lionel Richie Sunday morning. As easy as idiomatic pie. As easy as a £100 question on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Easy. Easy. Easy. You just get some A4 card, squeeze on the paint, fold in half, leave to dry; then returning draw out a simple wing, cut along the fold, where the magic of symmetry will reveal itself. I cut the wrong way and divest the butterfly of its body.  Harriet did warn me against this, but I wasn't listening. Unfortunately the veterninary clinic down the road doesn't extend to insects, so a rudimentary stich-up operation ensues with a lollipop stick being applied centrally to provide ballast. Glued to within an inch of its life, the butterfly is complete. It doesn't look bad. At the very least, it's in Watford colours so...